What We Learnt With Ashley 002: The EU Referendum

What We Learnt With Ashley 002: The EU Referendum


Continental breakfasts, ‘Leave’ beer mats, Dimbleby’s tie, Kilroy Silk, “I ain’t racist but…” This is what we learnt about Britain’s EU Referendum.

My first observation is the differing coverage on each of the news networks; The BBC’s Downing Street graphics look like Pierce Brosnan made them in The Lawnmower Man. According to ITV everyone in the leave camp seems to be made up of farmers, fishermen and lairy blokes down the pub (many of whom are off-duty farmers and fishermen).

Dimbleby looked as though he had just been wheeled off the set of ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’.

I found that a number of politicians pretended they spoke to people in the street; a bit like that time Ed Milliband said he spoke to a man on the tube during the general election. Nobody speaks on the Underground. This time it was the unflappable Iain Duncan Smith; he claims to have had a chat with working class people on a council estate saying they’re very much in the leave camp.

It’s hard to picture IDS walking about his nearby estate talking to locals like Skag-Head Sally; who hopes for gainful employment if she votes leave to reduce immigration numbers and its strain on the UK jobs market or stopping for a gas with Dangerous Dave. Dave feels he can strike a similar trade deal with EU nations to support his stolen car stereo business should we leave the European Union and also go on to work out new deals with the commonwealth countries. Or taking tea and strumpets with The Glock Gang, who feel leaving the EU will prevent other gangs from EU nations coming and taking over the estate. They’re also very pro NHS and fear the hospitals will be full of Foreigners if they don’t vote Brexit and therefore would be unable to help should Murky Alan get stabbed 6 times. Again.

As the night and the Brexit narrative progressed, a great subplot about Nigel Farage emerged; it sounded like the UKIP boys were getting Nige smashed at a boozer down in South London and making him admit defeat on Facebook then deleting the post when he got about 75 comments saying ‘Frape?’ He cleared it up on what looked like a BBC reporter’s Snapchat video, basically saying it was all banter and that his mate Dave’s a twat for posting it. Ladz.

One of the more perculiar features of the night included (hot on the heeks of his prison sentence for tapping Billie Piper’s Nokia 7210 back in 2003) Andy Coulson, who miraculously found himself back on ITV and looking like he got mad hench whilst doing his porridge.

Sunderland would’ve probably been quicker with their race to get a result first if they got rid of their overweight and asthmatic volunteers: that’s why slavery was so successful.

Also, when the announcements come out, it’s hard to ignore these special cases that register to vote, take time out there day to go to the polling station, possibly queue up in the heavy rain, get in the booth and don’t mark the paper? What is wrong with these people? Bloody sieves.

An absolute nuisance thrughout has been the people telling you how to vote in the streets; I couldn’t wait for these gaggles of spotty faced, well dressed Sebastian Coe looking interns around Putney (who knew at age 6 that they wanted to become Financial Services and Stability Director for Her Majesty’s Treasury one day) to stop forcing leave and remain leaflets in my face when I’m trying to board a train. One asked if I’d voted yet to which I said ‘No, you nonce’ which made me feel quite happy.

Also, Fruit of the Loom t-shirts saying ‘IN’ or “OUT” look positively ghastly and should be burnt with the person still wearing them.

A reason to stay which nobody has mention yet is that if you’d have to get work permits for every player on Football Manager, it will turn the game into a pen-pushing, 3 wall cubicle admin job.

I find it quite funny how people talk about Turkey like it’s Hell on Earth but still quite nice to go on holiday to.

I don’t think anyone has ever cared so much about an Australian style point system so much until now. It’s much like that terrible Aussie Rules football/rugby/hockey/barbecue thing which used to come on Trans World Sport: I didn’t understand an Australian style point system then and I’m not going to start now.

 Though Farage is an absolute lad and ‘The Purple Revolution’ is a great name for his book, I’m sure many people bought it thinking it was Prince’s autobiography… With that said, I do miss when Ester Rantzen’esque talk show host Kilroy Silk lead UKIP especially when he still managed to look suave after getting covered in cow shit.

I went to sleep feeling confident that the UK would remain in the EU but I should have seen the signs: the rivers overflowing, having what looked like a 13 month old baby hurtling towards my knee on the tube the other day and my nightmare of having to understand an Australian style point system becoming a reality.

Alas, the decision came through and the national treasure, David ‘look at the pink animals on my tie’ Dimbleby announced that the idiots #Brexiters had won and the UK will now have to leave the EU like a political episode of Big Brother.

I hope this doesn’t affect the UK too much but I’m still a little in the dark; the news always seem to interview the man-in-the-street and it seems like that’s who it’ll affect the least. His fears that he felt safe in the village until this deli that does really nice sandwiches opened up down the road by some new woman in town called Agnieszka seems to be the overwhelming reason for pulling the UK out at present.

The realisation that Nigel Farage just talked himself out of a job is now setting in and is now urging people not to listen to him when he’s drunk in future “What even is an Australian style point system?” “Why was I so protective of our borders?” “Does this mean it’s gonna be harder to get a 3am Kebab, after sinking 10 pints at The Fox & Hound?” These are all questions he’s asking himself as he dissects what happened over the last 9 months, waking up smelling of Tetley’s bitter and regret.

David Cameron quitting makes me think this might be a life imitating art – and by art I mean complete bag of shit – moment is imminent as this whole scenario sounds like the unwritten and hopefully never written opening sequence to London Has Fallen 2: Europe Has Fallen.


SO HERE’S WHAT WE LEARNT:

• People are still looking at a map of the UK to try and find Gibraltar.

• Iain Duncan Smith impregnated a teenage girl and joined the Glock Gang. IDS now stands for Iron Dick Smith.

• Boris Johnson drew a penis on the ‘Save Dave’ letter.

• Conservative party interns have now gone back to working as professional child pornography shredders.

• Nigel Farage was seen diluting a Berocca into a pint of mild before appearing on Good Morning Britain.

• Corbyn fans are shedding actual tears over fears he’ll resign because he’s been as busy as Disturbing The Peace rapper I-20 on supporting #Bremain.

• People aged 65+ shouldn’t be allowed to vote.

• Purple City Soufflé are now funding London Has Fallen 2: Europe Has Fallen, does anyone have Gerard Butler’s number?

• If Sunderland weren’t so fat, Northern and illiterate they probably would have won the race.

• All the webbed fingered Welsh people are able to grip a pen?